I Pretend I’m Fine, but I Don’t Think I Am

I don’t really talk about this with anyone in my life, and I guess that’s why I’m writing it here. On the outside, I look like I’m doing okay — I go to work, smile at people, reply “I’m good” whenever someone asks how I am. But the truth is, I feel the exact opposite inside.

Every night when I get home, I feel this heavy weight sitting in my chest. I lie in bed and scroll through my phone until I can’t keep my eyes open, mostly because I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts. I’ve become really good at distracting myself — music, videos, random conversations — anything to avoid thinking about how lonely and overwhelmed I actually feel.

It’s strange because I’m surrounded by people, but I still feel completely alone. My friends see me as the “strong one,” the person who always has it together. If only they knew how many times I’ve cried quietly in the shower just so no one hears me. I don’t want to worry anyone, but I also wish someone would notice that I’m not as okay as I pretend to be.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this. Maybe I just needed to say it somewhere. Maybe I just want to stop pretending for a moment. Maybe I just want someone to understand.

If you’re reading this, thanks for listening. Even if we never meet, it means more than you think.